What to do, what to do

I'm in a bit of a rut, I'm afraid. I don't know where to take it from here.

I was a little depressed after the last weekend. I have honestly little to complain about: OK job, grad school is almost done, I am apparently capable of scoring good-looking guys. It gives me confidence, and experience which I could always use, but little true satisfaction.

I think it's because I'm more into romance, cuddling and kissing, then the harder, more physical stuff. Sure, I'd like to do that with someone I'm really into, but it's not my main goal when I go out. On the other hand, being desired by someone cool is a wonderful feeling, the biggest confidence booster one can imagine.

And it's a two way street, isn't it? You gotta please yourself but also take the other person into account, but not that much, because it's not a relationship. It's hard to stop at kissing and cuddling, even though I'd sometimes like to. And, I have to admit, I'm still curious about some aspects of the sex.

Do I want a date? Not sure. Dinner, a bottle of wine and a movie appeal to me, but a first date is really just a close compatibility inspection. I'm not sure that's better than being on the meat market, where inspections are fleeting, and conclusions not reached during after dinner awkwardness, and strange, unspoken rituals that have to be performed in order to pass each other's tests.

Do I want a relationship? It will have to be a loose one. I don't want someone around me all of the time, definitely don't want to contemplate moving in with someone. I'd like to have someone I could call though, and spend nice, quiet, romantic evenings with. Have dinner with. But where do I find such a person? Someone who understands my need to have some serious space?

In the somewhat dirty club that's mostly just a place to hook up? Unlikely, but possible. It's huge fun to be there though; it's nihilism and decadence at their best. That's what truly living should be about, in my most vapid fantasy: music, dancing, alcohol and sex, all within easy reach. Ripe for the picking, like a buffet of pleasure.

The other, more civilized place? More probable, I think. Maybe I should just focus on that, getting to know people, making friends, taking things where they go. Hooking up is far to self-centred an activity to combine with making friends, and I have been neglecting that part of my new life. I was well on my way there last Friday, except I got stalked and lost the plot.

I have since the weekend shopped myself out of depression, added a new secret weapon to my collection of partying clothes. For the first time, I bought something I doubt I would ever dare to wear in Straightland. Yes, my new Armani shirt is a very, very tight fit. And owning it does make me feel better, even though it's a very superficial thing, possessing goods.

What about Friday night? I'm gonna dance all the doubt away... staying in is just too depressing at the moment. Gotta move a bit, and I guess it's fairly healthy too ;-).