Saturday, 21 July 2007

So where do I stand?

I'm not sure. Actually, I think I know, but I can't summarize it in one word. Kind of annoying, but also kind of exciting.

I'm picky about women. I don't feel much attraction towards most girls my age. It has to do with style, security, experience I guess. I always tended to have slightly older girlfriends. Truth be told, I wasn't really very interested unless they were completely wacky or extrovert personalities. That type really drew me in, being around such women was like being on a very wild ride. I liked that, still do. Relationships with hot girls with little to say tended to peter out quickly, leaving me relieved at the break-up.

I also like boys (20+, of course). I guess I always did, was born that way. I've been aware of vague feelings of attraction since early adolescence, maybe even earlier. I ignored it, suppressed it, paid no attention to it. That wasn't even rational: I just did not think about it. Boys chase girls, that's the way society tells you it is, and I did. Normal people don't deviate from that. And I was normal, wasn't I?

I may be from Holland but our society doesn't handle eccentrics and deviants very well. It's part of what got Pim Fortuyn and Theo van Gogh killed, for example. I will probably do a post on that later on; somehow this distorted intolerance troubles me.

So after my years of trouble and in my mid twenties there's an itch and this time I'm planning to scratch it. This blog will be my diary and my confessional, even though I am, in Oriana Fellaci's footsteps, a Christian atheist. I do religion but I don't do God. I will get to that another day.

One of the main issues I'm dealing with is the boxes I'm supposed to be ticking. How do I honestly explain where I'm at, in terms of sexuality? I'm definitely not straight and somehow, admitting it comes as a relief. I don't think I want to be straight, really. Whether I'm truly bi or gay I am intending to find out.

1 comment:

W said...

I hear ya about the amnivalence and uncertainty your sexuality generates. I just hope that guys like ourseleves can figure out this conundrum soon enough. There are other problems to worry about as well. Older Women, very hot. Especially red heads!