I have to admit it

I am hunting. It's a hard thing to admit, but there you go.

I am actively looking for someone, and am preparing a mental check list of what that person should be like. This is what I have so far, because I want to be a little open-minded:

1. Similar age.
2. Similar education.
3. And, of course, good looks.

It may sound superficial, but I think they are vital. You need to have some form of attraction and some common ground, longer term relationships don't work without them. Too young makes me feel dirty, too old just doesn't fit me.

So I was excited to be contacted by a 26 year old student from my local town, at my Alma mater. Maybe a little too excited; we have been chatting but not much else.

He's severely closeted; it took a long time before he revealed his name. His profile is without pictures, he calls himself bi but admits to move towards men and says he has experience but it's not very convincing. Also, he says he hardly ever visited the gay strip, so I wonder if he has ever really been.

But I think there could be something here. I am prepared to keep on chatting, to see if any developments could be realistic. Maybe even meet up for drinks or coffee or something. This will never develop into a hook up, and I don't want it to.

Because this guy appears to be all or nothing: a serious date, or nothing at all. Fine with me: it could be a healthy development.

Why don't you ever stop...

A pretty sight I may not be,
not always right but I mean well
Something's wrong so come on and
tell me what it is you need
Don't pick a fight, not in the mood,
it's not the time or the place well
What's got in you? You seem to
make it up to bring me down

And I know you can't let go
but let's make the most of the weekend
You pretend the clock's gone back again,
I'll pretend it's nothing if you just stop

Just stop
Why don't you ever stop?

Yeah, still addicted to the Ghosts album.

I guess I have a date on Saturday. No, not with Crush. I haven't closed that door, but the hurricanes in his mind are a little too much for me. Do keep him away from me though.

I met this guy through the internet, the local queer "listings". Seriously, if you meet someone new in this country, that's what you do: trace him on gay.nl. I didn't want to date through the internet, but Crush encouraged me to register and chat through it. So why not?

My inbox flooded within minutes. So I got to talk to a local boy, one with his own apartment in the centre (check!), close to the strip (double check!), his own business (triple check but requiring double checking) and calling me cute (oh-oh).

He's a little older (double oh-oh), but looks real good (for his age) and I'm winding him around my finger already (I know, Lolita syndrome). But I need that level of control, it wouldn't work any other way.

Technically we only agreed to have a beer together (in my case a Bacardi cola, without a straw, please, I might be gay but am quite capable of drinking from a glass) but he would have liked me to come around last night (hell no) and it will be at Crush's favourite joint, to which I have been enough lately and I have a tab to pay off at another place anyway, so that could be interesting or at least mildly awkward (alcohol will prevent that feeling). And he keeps on sending little... well, almost love notes, wishing me a good day etc.

He has a little bit of the gay self-hatred I sense a lot in my local community (the joint we're going to meet is too queer for his taste but he visits every week) but seems at least educated. Oh yeah, he "isn't looking for anything"... right. I made fun of that search strategy straight away.

I also chatted with a really cute, 22 year old kid of Indonesian descent (so hot), but it makes me kind of feel like a dirty old perv. Even so, he approached me. I'll keep in touch with him anyway: he really is eminently fuckable.