Homophobic incidents

I guess I've had my fair share already, but have been lucky enough not to get into beatings and other forms of physical violence. A couple of cat calls, a few run ins with drunks, someone shouting in the street in front of a club.

But I need to be more careful in future, because I have a big mouth and after a few drinks, I find it difficult to avoid confrontations.

All incidents have one thing in common: the heterosexuals don't understand at all.
Shouting out "homos!" in front of a gay club might be a huge insult in the eyes of the speaker, but to the homos in question it is just a matter of stating the obvious.

After a number of similar incidents, I wouldn't mind hearing an original insult, if somebody really feels the need to insult. Honestly, "homo!" is not very impressive.

Last night, I was in a little incident involving... ahem teenagers and their girlfriends. In fact, it wasn't threatening, just funny, with hindsight.

"Hey you! What's up with that?" I hear a drunk, youthful voice behind me as a friend, totally wasted, and I, relatively sober, walk home after closing time.

The word is left unspoken but the implication is hanging in the air.

I would have preferred to just continue walking, as I didn't have a great night and wanted to go to bed (yes, my own), but my friend has a different idea.

He turns around, confronts them. I'm not someone to avoid a confrontation, but I'd had enough drama for the night, including another scene out in the street where someone proclaimed his love to me in front of some dodgy strangers.

So with an internal sigh, I turn around and see... two teenagers, at most 16 years old and a couple of girls who would probably be girlfriends.

"What do you two do together?" asks one. A blonde loud mouth, he was clearly gonna be the spokesman for the group. Again, the word is not mentioned, but the implication was clear.

"Sleep" says my friend, or something to that effect. Again, no direct links to sex.

I close my eyes, and hope the ground will open up and swallow me whole. The dark-haired guy next to Blonde breaks out in a vicious grin. This seems to encourage Blonde even more. The girls decide to move behind the guys, not liking this at all. The mood is curious-aggressive.

With the look of someone about to discuss the most disgusting subject in the entire history of this planet, Blonde asks his next question.

"Do you shove dildos up each other's asses?"

I so don't want to be there. I start to think about my own line of verbal attack, even though I had been mostly silent up to then. My usual strategy is to pick one off (that would be Blonde, of course), and in front of all of his friends tell him he gives off a distinctly gay vibe, that I understand his interest in matters of anal sex and maybe even offer him to join us for a threesome. Group dynamics would ensure a rapid end to this convo. If nobody gets violent, of course.

So, of course my friend has to answer the question with:

"We do that all the time."

Instead of just walking off, or saying that I can't imagine enjoying penetration with plastic, I nod like a fool.

The girls are getting more and more restless, start pulling on the guys and telling them to move on. After a few more words on the wonders of anal sex, with both boys having fascinated, dirty grins on their faces, they move off.

Then comes the punchline.

"I thought they were going to beat us up."

I'm still looking for my jaw.