Women in gay bars

I see them a lot. At first, I just thought they were lesbians. Mostly, they're not. The lesbians are generally a quiet bunch, come in small groups and keep to themselves.

No, much more annoying are the other, straight women who visit.

Generally, they seem to fit in four different categories:

1. The fag hag.

The fag hag is more of an accessory than an actual human being. She's more like a piece of expensive jewellery. She'll follow her fag around like a loyal spaniel, never saying very much, smiling but coming across as being totally vacuous even though she might be working on string theory. Also, she will accompany her friend even as he's trying to pick you up. Quite disconcerting. Ignore, but be nice.

2. The drunk.

She's also accompanying a friend, or a group of friends, to the venue. Beware of fashion houses on a binge; they are the worst. She'll invariably have a "cute, single" friend she'd like you to meet who looks most like the hunchback of Notre Dame. If that fails, she'll invariably tell you you're cute, use a lame pick up line like "you could be my son" and invariably go for it herself. In that case, only a run for the lifeboats will save you. Find the nearest male mouth and kiss.

The drunk always carries around a glass of wine.

3. The tease.

My least favourite category. This is the type of girl that's only there to pick up a gay boy, most likely in order to balloon her ego. She'll be a good kisser, but will kiss anything. Provocatively dressed, her emphasis is on showing her boobs. The poor dear is largely unaware that nobody much cares about them. Even though the most likely winner of any snog-a-thon, she'll invariably go home early, alone and disappointed, much to the relief of everyone else.

4. The quiet, pretty type.

These are the refugees of Partyland. Sick and tired of being approached by all horny, heterosexual and often under-age males around, the girls flee en masse to the gay strip. They are generally well behaved, though tend to relax so much they end up moderately to extremely pissed. They will keep telling you how nice it is to be left alone for once. Be understanding and commiserate, but don't rediscover your inner straight guy.

OK, trannies. Will bust your balls if you're rude. Can be huge and powerful. Think mother in law from hell. Always remember their plumbing.