Regret

Daddy, what does regret mean?
Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done...
-sample from Satan, Orbital

It's not really true, I'm afraid.

I am ashamed. I just did something I intensely regret. I'm hesitant writing about it, it's painful, but since this exercise is all about honesty, here goes.

Not wanting to be too forceful, I texted my crush about wanting to see more of him. A serious, honest message. No response. State of mind: fuck him.

So a dirty little idea got into my mind. It's student night at one of the clubs. I felt like checking out some first-year, fresh twinks. Besides, I had nothing better to do. So I put on a fresh shirt, good shoes and some cologne and walked into town.

The place was deserted, apart from three thirty-something guys playing a drinking game with the bartender. After having a beer, I joined them. It involved throwing dice, loser buying a round.

Well, I was winning pretty much everything so I got pretty wasted real quick and real cheap. And the guy next to me got quite touchy-feely.

He was nice looking for his age (37), real stereotypical gay guy with all the movements but also a typical local boy. I wasn't into him at all. But he made sure the drinks kept coming.

So I ended up responding a little. Stupid, I know, but he was a great kisser and I wanted a little of that. I could use the experience. And he was complementing my body in ways that made me laugh out loud. One such exchange:

HIM: You have real good leg muscles, like a football player's.
ME: struggling to keep my beer in, and laughing at the same time.
HIM: It's a complement you know.

Then the twinks started coming in and my interest waned. But he was all over me by now and he was good at it. He was noticing the main object of my attention, too. Commented about me probably liking younger men. Fuck, fuck, fuck, what am I doing?

A few beers later I walked out with him.

I'll finish writing about this little caper when my hangover has receded.