Looking back at it, it was a wonderful crisis.
I've been told the Chinese symbol for crisis literally means "danger & opportunity". It sums up remarkably what happened to me in April.
I'm no porn aficionado, but even over the "straight years" I've occasionally taken a guilty look at gay porn. Just a couple of pics, maybe once or twice a year. This time was different: I had a persistent craving to go back and look at some pictures, and got really into Brent Everett for a couple of days. And so, through my pathetic endeavours on Pornotube and XTube I came across Brent Corrigan's old blog.
I find my initial attraction to his youthful looks slightly disturbing, but so be it. But it passed: I was hooked by his blog and his "Ask Brent" section.
Now I'm not interested in discussing if he was telling the truth, if he really writes it himself or to speculate about that murder. Here was a guy who was living a lifestyle I feel I should have had 10% of at that age. I don't think I'm capable of doing porn, but desperate times ask for desperate measures and I understand why people get into it. I'm not attracted to older men but I do get it: I'm really into older women myself (Nigella Lawson, if you're ever lonely, call me. I've so much more to offer than Lord Saatchi :-( ).
Reading his blog over a couple of days led to other blogs, away from porn, but my whole artfully constructed fake straight life and pack of lies came tumbling down around me.
For the first couple of days, I was disturbed. I'd wake up thinking: "Holy shit! Why do you get yourself into this crap? Make it easy and go back to what you you used to do." This was the danger.
This faded after one or two days. I started waking up with a smile, feeling more secure, accepting myself, feeling proud even. Much too late, mind you, I've wasted too much time, I learned nothing about myself I did not really know at 18. But up to about half a year ago there was other shit in my life, most of which I did not cause myself. Now I have the opportunity and I know I'm doing the right thing.
Reading Tim's story also helped: he even had a girlfriend to take into account.
There will be more shit hitting the fan, of that I'm sure, but nothing my new-found strength, Hugo Boss and Glenfiddich won't be able to solve, I think.